Addiction is a disease, not just a bad habit or a poor lifestyle that one picks up in their youth. It’s a lifelong struggle that you face every day. I’m not saying addicts have no chance or no choice, I’m saying addicts deserve a certain type of grace despite the choices they’ve made. Addiction is an opponent that will hide, and draw you into its darkness that seems so inviting.

I would not consider myself an addict by any means. It was a brief one-year period that I was drinking alcohol, brief but still intense. It was often daily, but I never drank alone, I never hid it, and I never blacked out. I quit months before my habit really faded. I would be sober for a month, then have a drink here and there when it was offered. It’s funny because when I think of an alcoholic, I think of someone who drinks alone, in secret, for far too long. I think of someone who has no control, someone who gets blacked out drunk every time, someone who is completely dependent. 

I am not that person. 

But it is more complicated than that. It’s your body craving it when you rationally know you don’t. It’s the constant fight between do or not do. It’s the dependency, its the withdrawal, it’s the pain from not drinking both emotionally and physically.

I was three years sober and still thinking about how it feels to be drunk. My body reminded me of the relief and relaxation that came with numbing my nervous system. You reminisce about the highs because that’s what your body remembers – that’s what your body thinks it needs to be satisfied and at peace. The emotional and physical pain that alcohol causes seems to be forgotten by your body because that satisfaction feels so good. 

My sobriety is now at an astounding few weeks. Why, after three years, was my desire to drink still so strong? I think its because my body will never forget that feeling of artificial peace and satisfaction. Deep down, I knew it was anxiety and depression that was ignored. A part of me knew it was a type of giving when I cracked open a hard seltzer for the first time in three years. I don’t think your body knows when it’s lacking peace and happiness; it mistakes it for dopamine hits and adrenaline dumps. Alcohol is great when that’s what you are looking for.

I think that’s what my grandparents meant when they said “one drink can ruin your life”. It wasn’t about the immediate consequences, but the experience your body goes through that can never be undone. Your body will never forget it.